Friday, August 15, 2008

The Prodigal Corndog

We know. It's been a while. But you can smell, that right? Do you smell that? That's T would say...thats the stench of whiskey and broken dreams.

You might be wondering..where have you been? Well, let's just say when you reach for the stars sometimes they'll burn you. Let's just say...what doesn't kill you, will at least take you to court and makes you wish it would kill you because it's alot cheaper to be dead than using your good funeral clothes for court. What I did right there is called foreshadowing.

Okay, so here is the deal. We were pretty successful with the corndog stand and we bought a restaurant. We called it the Corn Hole. It was going along pretty well except there was only the two of us and let me tell you....I cannot be the only one in the kitchen prepping the food by myself all the time while T is managing all the day-to-day shit like keeping a full body hairnet on Helga - and she's just a patron. He was able to muster up the finesse, though. That man can tell you to go to hell and make you look forward to the trip.

Anyhow, business had been really good. On the suck end of it, is the only time we got to spend together anymore was in the restaurant. So anyway, one night we're laying in bed and I just said, "hon...we've GOT to get a sous chef. We can't do this kitchen shit by ourselves anymore" And so T says, "what a coincidence because Jimmy told me that a bunch of sous came in from the Dakotas".

And that made me strangely uneasy because if you knew T like I knew T, he needs to think about these things first. Weigh the the math.....because six dozen of one is like two in the bush or something, I don't know. He's the smart one in the family. But I digress.

So the next day I'm in the kitchen pouring the old oil into T's special "bio-fuel recycling receptacle". Then I hear the kitchen door open and in walks T with dark haired mexican looking dude. He's kind of big with long black hair. T introduces him to me as our new sous chef. I'm PSYCHED. But that lasts only momentarily.

I ask dude what his experience is. I figured he worked at LaQuinta or some shit and had some kitchen experience. I wasn't expecting much because I don't have any respect for the Dakotas or their food.

First of all....he's not Mexican. He's Indian. Feather, not dot. T didn't fully understand what I meant by soux he brought me a SIOUX chef. You've got to love the guy though. He never questioned me for one minute when he thought I requested an Indian man to help us in the kitchen. Turns out this dude is a direct decendent of Tatanka Iyotaka, more commonly known as Chief Sitting Bull. And his name was Red Bull. And he used to work at Red Robin and had a brief stint at the Waffle House.

Turns out Red Bull had a mad buffalo chicken wing recipe that he modified from Red Robin. We thought we'd take full advantage of his skill and start advertising, "RED BULL GIVES YOU WINGS".

You'd think living in a small county like Moose Taint, that Red Bull The Energy Drink wouldn't get wind of these play on words and whatnot. But like T says...when the wind blows just can hear shit from miles away.

Long story short: We got sued by Red Bull the Energy Drink. Red Bull the Sioux counter-sued (or is that counter-siouxed?) Red bull the Energy Drink for stealing his name to begin with. He won. They dropped the suit on us because technically, we made no reference to the energy drink. We just happened to have a decendent of Sitting Bull with a kick ass buffalo wing recipe. There is no law against that. I mean, technically, buffalos don't even have wings. This shit could have gone on forever.

All this drama and bullshit just made T and I realize this restaurant shit is not for us. I remember sitting in the courtroom and he leaned over and whispered, "Remember when we used to lay on the pinto and drink 40's?".

So we're taking the corndog stand out of storage and I've got a couple of 40's in the fridge. Freakshow Joe is still looking for a way to make a quick buck (and still has moments of fecal incontinence after the goring incident). Jimmy still lives in the woods. Helga still has a crush on T...and rumor has it that the BinLadin brothers are still harboring a grudge against us.