Thursday, June 21, 2007

The Pupa Stage

I will come right out and say it's pretty fucking ironic that a brand new post come out on the first day of summer when Corndog Season will become full-speed ahead. It's also ironic that I'd rather sit here and write a post for the first time in ages instead of helping Helga put on her fully body hairnet.

T and I have a lot to update you all on...but I have to go make batter and the situation at hand is this: You may or may not remember the situation last year with Helga and Hannoush's death. (read here and here to familiarize yourself) . After she left Moosetaint for Auchwitz, she thought life would be better and she could get away from the tragedy. But as we know, no matter where you go, there you are and things didn't go well. So Helga came back to the town and the freaks that love her (in my case I tolerate her since she has a mad crush on T) and that's Moosetaint.

She needed a gig. Moosetaint refuses to tout a bearded lady anymore because it's synonymous with "the incident". Of course, we pitited her and hired her to help out with the stand.

It's been 3 weeks and we have hadto give back over 60% of what we've taken in because of "hair in the batter". I don't know why I put that in quotes, but there it is. Now, Hannoush's brothers are fucking PISSED she is back, let alone the fact that we hired her and it's only made the war between the Granny's and the Bin Ladins worse. So bad that those fucking camel jockey's called Health and Human Services on us. And the FDA. And the CDC.

First let me tell you...I have a shitty fucking filing system. I couldn't find readily find ANY of the paperwork I had to produce for these fucks. It took me and T an entire day to sift through the Pinto and we finally found everything stuffed in an an old G.I. Joe Thermos wedged under the driver's seat. Okay, so we get the HHS and the FDA off our jocks AFTER we proved that have stayed up-t0-date on all our shit. All we had to do is promise that we'd make a full body hairnet for Helga. Which, essentially is a pair of crotchless stockings from Fredrick's of Hollywood sewn onto mosquito netting. Have I mentiond I can't sew? So, I just velcroed the mosquito netting to the waist of the stockings. I don't give a rat's fuck...technically...we're in compliance.

Oh yea, and if you are wondering why crotchless stockings are okay....it's because ironically, the bearded lady shaves her twat. I don't know. I've never understood that since the night of the incident.

Okay, so we get that shit out of the way and now we have to deal with Helga's "emotional issues". Because some kids surrounded her when she went to use the Porta-Potty and when she came out ensconced in her fully body hair net, they asked her if she was in the Pupa stage and would she eventually turn into something beautiful.

We can't fucking win. anyway..gotta go. That batter aint' gonna bat itself.


FDA link: http://www.cfsan.fda.gov/~comm/foodbiz.html


Food safety: http://www.foodsafety.gov/~fsg/foodlaw.html