Sunday, November 12, 2006

Freakshow Joe: Tour de Midgit Petite (mee-geet pa-teet)

Well, T is still sleeping and I’m jacked on caffeine because I bought one of those old school Italian espresso makers yesterday, made a pot and drank it ALL. Aaaaaaaaaa ya ya ya yaa ya. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing!

Anyway…Freakshow Joe has limped his sorry ass back to the Taint. I was on the couch watching Food Network and how to turn “Thanksgiving Disasters into Delightful Delights” or some shit, I don’t know. All I know is if you have enough butter and parmesean cheese, apparently you can fix anything.

So, T walks through the door, looking a little sheepish. And who jumps out behind him with his mouth wide open and his arms outstretched…like I’d be GLAD to see him. That’s right…. Freakshow. He knew I wasn’t glad to see him. I still get feel nauseus knowing his fecal dna is still engrained in my couch. I remember when I saw that Seinfeld episode when Poppi peed on Jerry’s couch and Jerry got rid of it and I was thinking, “it’s brand new…just turn the cushion over”. But, when it happens to YOU, and midget feces is on the underside of the cushion you are sitting on and the offending midget is standing before you….I can’t describe the feeling. Rage? Yes, maybe it’s rage.

So it was everything I could do NOT to bite through my own tongue and yell, “WHAT THE FUCK” because that would be rude. So, Freakshow comes in, hops next to me on the couch, plants a kiss on my cheek. I’m looking at T intently – you know because I always think if I look at him HARD he can somehow read my mind. Ha ha ha. And he’s got that, “I’m sorry, I had nothing to do with this, I didn’t KNOW” face on. It was the same face he had the time I woke up and all my panties were dipped in corndog batter. ANYWAY..

So, you know, what are you going to do, he’s here, right? I ask Freakshow, “whassup, how you been..” kind of shit….T gets us all a beer. So, Freaksow takes NO time to take out this CD and put it out DVD player…..”check it out…..this is my new gig”.

T is sitting beside me at this point and Freakshow is standing by the television. All of a sudden, we see this “little person” dressed up like Michael FUCKING Jackson…going balls out on a dance routine at some train station. And doesn’t Freakshow start dancing in our livingroom in tandem with the video. So since we really can’t just laugh out loud or say anything…T starts pressing his leg against mine. And I press back just so he knows I’m with him on this being a 10 on a scale of 1-10 for being fucked up.

When all is said and done, we’re like, “Wow..dude..that’s awesome…how did you learn to move like that.” And it turns out…his hips pop in and out now pretty easily after the “incident

So T offers to take us out so we’re at the bar and we’ve been there awhile and Freakshow is tanked at this point and he looks at me and goes, “so… think this dance thing is going to pay off or what?’

And you know how like…if you want to hide the fact that you are smiling sometimes you can lift the drink to your face to kind of hide it before you answer? Yea, it doesn’t work well. I put my drink down and said, ‘yea..I think you’ve got mad skills, Joe”. Then he gets all pissy, leans over and kind of hisses, “you think you’re the only one that can dance, don’t you…” Then he stands up, takes ALL his clothes off except for the g-string, and gets on the bar and starts doing his Michael Jackson routine.

Holy fucking shit. T was laughing so fucking hard there was no sound was coming out. I was laughing only because he was laughing so hard. Because I’ll tell you what…it’s no laughing matter getting a glimpse of “midget junk” from the side of a g-string.

Anyway, to make a wicked long story short, he ended up going home with Amy from the Whack-a-Mole. He left his DVD here so I uploaded it to youtube so you can see his “performance”. Imagine it naked. Not pretty.

We’ve got errands to do today so I’m going to go wake up T and take advantage of “morning wood”. I love yelling “Timber” when we’re all done. Ohhh, the things that make my life worth living. ;)


Dragulf said...

Zanna, I have had unwanted guests a few times. I used to pull out the ole shotgun and tell them to fuck off but now I just get a hammer. Seems to work just as well.

I think I had a couch like that also. My neighbor was throwing out their couch. It had a hide-a-bed in the middle and my old couch sucked so I snatched it. Let me tell you moving a 400 pound couch in the middle of the night (as well as it being the middle of winter) is not an easy task.
Long story short, the neighbor's brother passed out on the couch one night and his sister looked so queasy about it. It was funny at first but I had used 5 cans of Lysol to clean it and windex. I figured it was OK, right? Turns out the guy passed out on it had puked on it before. Neither one was allowed back over after that.

Joe is looking nasty. Go Joe!

pinky_nip said...

I have a real strong desire to hit him with a flyswatter.

Not quite sure why?

Lady Jane said...

Um, hope I did this right... I'll send it to T's email, just in case:

I fucking love you.

Italian Stallion said...

That shit was hilarious!!!!!!!!

I love the picture at the end of the film, classic.......

Angry Ferret Jones said...

God, I may be blind now. That is some seriously funny shit.

alaskanchicsickle said...

Oh yeah, that is sexy, thanks Zanna! Hey everyone, haven't talked to you all lately. How's everyone doing? Love you guys.