Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Freakshow Joe on Jerry Springer

Because he only made $12.37, Freakshow has given up his month long dream of being a Michael Jackson impersonator in local train stations. His next scam to get some publicity was to take his show on the road and take care of a personal problem on Jerry Springer.

Freakshow Joe lost his girl Nicole to a stump named Josh. Me and T didn't even know he had a girl named Nicole. All I know is Amy from the Whack-A-Mole is going to be B to the Ullshit when she finds this out. But honestly, between you and me, Freaskshow has been getting a little too big for his proverbial britches and has basically been a fucking douchebag, so I don't blame her.

Remember how I told you a couple of weeks ago, he got pissed at me in the bar and got on top of the bar and took his clothes off? He does the same thing on stage at Jerry Springer. For whatever reason, he takes his clothes off, then dances on the pole and then goes and pummels poor Josh again. He also moons the audience and I wish they didn't "fuzz out" his asshole because you really need to see it to truly understand what that bull did to him. I think then it would really bring home that whole "fecal incontinence" problem he seems to only have on my couch. Little fucking fucker.

Anyway, it didn't turn out the way he planned. And now he's emotionally devastated. And guess who the fuck is on our fucking couch? guessed it.

Friday, November 24, 2006

Thanksgiving "Gift"

We weren't going to post anything while we were away for Thanksgiving but I just wanted to share a nice picture T's niece made for me and presented to me in front of everyone at the dinner table yesterday. And then everyone at the table got really quiet, except for T who was pretending to cough to cover up the fact he was laughing. Then all of a sudden everyone is saying at the same time, 'pass the (insert here)".

I was fucking pissed. But then I forgot about it when T said he was in the mood for some "pudding pie". But now I'm pissed again.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Leave a Message...

I'm sorry I'm laughing so much. T said he'd be quiet while I recorded the message but he knows how to make me laugh. And my Chewbacca doll is what kills me every time. Plus he was making it dance. Happy Thanksgiving from the "Taint!

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Freakshow Joe: Tour de Midgit Petite (mee-geet pa-teet)

Well, T is still sleeping and I’m jacked on caffeine because I bought one of those old school Italian espresso makers yesterday, made a pot and drank it ALL. Aaaaaaaaaa ya ya ya yaa ya. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing!

Anyway…Freakshow Joe has limped his sorry ass back to the Taint. I was on the couch watching Food Network and how to turn “Thanksgiving Disasters into Delightful Delights” or some shit, I don’t know. All I know is if you have enough butter and parmesean cheese, apparently you can fix anything.

So, T walks through the door, looking a little sheepish. And who jumps out behind him with his mouth wide open and his arms outstretched…like I’d be GLAD to see him. That’s right…. Freakshow. He knew I wasn’t glad to see him. I still get feel nauseus knowing his fecal dna is still engrained in my couch. I remember when I saw that Seinfeld episode when Poppi peed on Jerry’s couch and Jerry got rid of it and I was thinking, “it’s brand new…just turn the cushion over”. But, when it happens to YOU, and midget feces is on the underside of the cushion you are sitting on and the offending midget is standing before you….I can’t describe the feeling. Rage? Yes, maybe it’s rage.

So it was everything I could do NOT to bite through my own tongue and yell, “WHAT THE FUCK” because that would be rude. So, Freakshow comes in, hops next to me on the couch, plants a kiss on my cheek. I’m looking at T intently – you know because I always think if I look at him HARD he can somehow read my mind. Ha ha ha. And he’s got that, “I’m sorry, I had nothing to do with this, I didn’t KNOW” face on. It was the same face he had the time I woke up and all my panties were dipped in corndog batter. ANYWAY..

So, you know, what are you going to do, he’s here, right? I ask Freakshow, “whassup, how you been..” kind of shit….T gets us all a beer. So, Freaksow takes NO time to take out this CD and put it out DVD player…..”check it out…..this is my new gig”.

T is sitting beside me at this point and Freakshow is standing by the television. All of a sudden, we see this “little person” dressed up like Michael FUCKING Jackson…going balls out on a dance routine at some train station. And doesn’t Freakshow start dancing in our livingroom in tandem with the video. So since we really can’t just laugh out loud or say anything…T starts pressing his leg against mine. And I press back just so he knows I’m with him on this being a 10 on a scale of 1-10 for being fucked up.

When all is said and done, we’re like, “Wow..dude..that’s awesome…how did you learn to move like that.” And it turns out…his hips pop in and out now pretty easily after the “incident

So T offers to take us out so we’re at the bar and we’ve been there awhile and Freakshow is tanked at this point and he looks at me and goes, “so… think this dance thing is going to pay off or what?’

And you know how like…if you want to hide the fact that you are smiling sometimes you can lift the drink to your face to kind of hide it before you answer? Yea, it doesn’t work well. I put my drink down and said, ‘yea..I think you’ve got mad skills, Joe”. Then he gets all pissy, leans over and kind of hisses, “you think you’re the only one that can dance, don’t you…” Then he stands up, takes ALL his clothes off except for the g-string, and gets on the bar and starts doing his Michael Jackson routine.

Holy fucking shit. T was laughing so fucking hard there was no sound was coming out. I was laughing only because he was laughing so hard. Because I’ll tell you what…it’s no laughing matter getting a glimpse of “midget junk” from the side of a g-string.

Anyway, to make a wicked long story short, he ended up going home with Amy from the Whack-a-Mole. He left his DVD here so I uploaded it to youtube so you can see his “performance”. Imagine it naked. Not pretty.

We’ve got errands to do today so I’m going to go wake up T and take advantage of “morning wood”. I love yelling “Timber” when we’re all done. Ohhh, the things that make my life worth living. ;)

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Open Letter to Walrus Gumboots

Here in the Taint we don't ususally go to these extremes. Except for that time Cock Ninja got pissy and we did a post about him after he said he was never coming back, and all he ever wanted to do was make us smile...and cry.

I didn't get T's OK on this, I usually like to because this site belongs to both of us. But I would like to say to you, Wally....on behalf of the "family". And OK, I didn't clear it with them either. I'm basically riding bareback with no panties here.

Anyway, on behalf of the "family"...and my apologies to anyone I missed..(Apache, LadyJane, Pinky Nip, Anastasia, Instant Ass Hat, Dragulf, Twzzlrgrl, Stallion, and yes..EVEN Cock Ninja). I present you this video "hallmark card" if you will.

Its cold out there in the Internet, my friend. Listen to the words of the song's so fucking poingant. And when you are done wearing that "mask of false bravado," you'll know where we'll be.

Hold me, T. The glitter graphics are taking my emotions over the edge.

Friday, November 03, 2006