Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Something Fishy in the Taint

As Zanna has mentioned, I am back to construction for the winter. We are building a huge house for some trust-funder punk from scratch, and today we were clearing trees on a sidehill, in an early season blizzard. The picture is my boss trying to show off in his truck, and planting it firmly between 2 trees.

The crew and I said fuck it, we'll dig it out tomorrow; then went to the bar. Chainsawing in a snowstorm sucks. Sometimes you just gotta quit early.

Anyhoo, you know how after drinking all day sometimes a story comes out that you may regret later? Our laborer, Chucky Chez Ezz, told just such a story moments ago. I hauled ass to borrow some wi-fi, while the story is fresh.

Last winter, Chucky was working at Flap-Ass Mountain Ski Resort and Bass Fishery, when in walked a woman he hadn't seen in years. Turns out she had married and had children. And was the first woman to give him crabs. They were partying one night several years ago, one thing led to another, they humped and a day or so later it was like a micro-jungle on his genitals. Chucky used the old fashioned method his granddad taught him to get rid of the little parasites.

Get 2 bricks, kerosene and a match. Cover your pubes in the kerosene, light it. When the crabs crawl up your penis to escape the flames from the enchanted forest, smash them with the bricks while they are stranded on the tip.....

Well, 2 months later he was drunk at another party when Charlize Tuna showed up. Yeah, they fucked like grunion under a full moon, and yes, she gave him crabs a second time. I mean, this girl had to keep ice in her panties to keep the little guys fresh. Chucky decided to try removing his pubes entirely this time. With Nair.

Well, after getting crabs twice from the same girl he swore off relations with her ever again. For about 3 more months. You guessed it, Chucky was drinking heavily at the Booze-O-Rama Nightclub when Charlize arrived. He was going down on her in the bathroom, when it dawned on the poor bastard he was tonguing the Tuna that gave him crabs twice. He stopped speaking for a moment.

Slowly, Chucky said "I threw up directly onto her twat." He then wiped it off, fucked her, and went home with his THIRD case of the crabs.

To paraphrase a wise man, diamonds may be forever, but you never forget the first time you eat crabs.


LadyJane said...

I barfed on my boyfriend's dick once. Only it was because a pube was lodged in the back of my mouth when I was giving him a hummer. Tickled my gag-reflex, and Blarrghhhh... all over his twig n' berries.

We broke up shortly after.

Anastasia Beaverhausen said...

"Charlize Tuna" ...awesome. And Z should use that as her stripper stage name.

Lady--I appreciate your story. Now I don't feel so bad for shitting on my guys dick that one, okay 3, times...Ok six times. But I can't help that my ass has a very sensitive gag reflex. Ok, 9 times.

Dragulf said...

Kinda reminds me of the first time I ate corndogs.


True Fucking story!

Tranny mutha fuckin Granny said...

Yo ya'll got crabs from a CORNDOG?!

Friend, come to my stand in the spring, and Z and I will give up the corndogoodness for free to help set you straight.

And, yo man, I will be in AZ the week before X-mas....wanna get some Mex and a beer?

Walrus Gumboot said...

Believe it or not, I went to school with a "Chucky Chez Ezz".
For some reason he wanted to be called Chaz. I figured he'd go by Chuck, but to each his own.
Their was a small, one window arcade in the shopping mall we used to frequent. Old Chaz would stand out in front of the window for what seemed like hours sucking on lighter fluid and "flame throwing" the coolest flames at the window.
People inside thought he was crazy, but it was just Chaz.

P.S. Remind my sometime, to tell you how Chaz used to drive his VW bus with his teeth, while Pete Kelly would climb out the passenger window, climb over the roof and slip into the drivers seat, all while doing 40 mph down Route 9.
That's another day though.

Hi Zanna!!!

Zanna said...

Hi Wally..Route 9...where?

Italian Stallion said...

I like mine with motherfucking Old Bay, but it tends to burn the vagina..........

P.S. Murderland has the best crab's...........

Walrus Gumboot said...

Zanna, Poughkeepsie, New York.

Zanna said...

Wally, Is that the same Route 9 that goes through Massachusetts?