Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Quality Time

It’s been a rough few weeks in the Taint. T and I haven’t been connecting like we usually do…he’s working days in construction; I’m working nights at the club. But last night, I had the night off and I was hell BENT on making sure it was “quality time”.

I see T sitting on our couch, relaxing after a long day at work. He’s leaning back into the softness of the couch, his shirt open. He has his eyes closed, half listening to something on television while absentmindedly running a hand back and forth over his chest. He doesn’t notice that I'm there at first. He didn't expect me to come until much later in the evening, but here I am.

He opens his eyes and sees me sitting across from him on the edge of the recliner, stroking my thigh with my hand. T smiles when he sees me, and I can tell from the look in his eyes that he needs what I want to give him as much as I need to give it.

Slowly, I stand, not making a sound and stroll over to him. He stands when I get there, putting his arm around my waist. I slide my hands around his neck, letting them meet on the nape of his neck and pull him closer. Our lips touch and I open my mouth, awaiting his tongue. He slides it in, casually seeking out mine. When he discovers it, he become hungrier. His lazy strokes become slightly rougher caresses.

Before we get too into kissing, I break free from his mouth, and make my way to his ear, trailing light playful kisses along your cheek. I trace the outer edge of his ear with my tongue, before licking his earlobe and taking it between my teeth and tugging gently. I continue, making my way down his neck kissing, sucking, and biting my way to his collarbone. I place a finger where his shirt opens, and slowly push it back, just a little, tracing his collarbone with my tongue. First the left side, then the right, following that. I move his shirt farther back and he shrugs it off as my lips lightly skim his shoulder.

He runs his fingers through my hair as I begin working my way on down his body. First kissing the left side of his abdomen, then his right. Moving lower, I find I have to get on my knees to reach him. Looking up at T, I give him a sly smile and unbutton his pants. I trail my finger over the bulge in his jeans before I unzip them.

I kiss the skin around his waistband, working my tongue under it occasionally. Sliding my hands around his waist, I grab his trousers near the pockets and pull them down, making them pool around your ankles. I slide my hands up his calves, under his briefs, up over his thighs and back down again before sliding them up and pulling off his underwear as well. Naked now, he steps out of your puddle clothes and recline on the couch. T lay his head back as I lean in and slowly lick the tender area of his abdomen….getting closer to what it is I’m really after.

Making a "v" with the index and middle finger on my right hand, I lick between them and slide them up and down the underside of his shaft, rubbing his bulging veins while I continue to lick. Finally, I get to the edge of skin that meets his balls. Leaning down, I lick his right ball, taking it in my mouth and gently sucking on it, while I run my left hand over his hip. I lick my way across to his left side and do the same thing, working my way down as far as I can go, before I need to turn back. I trail kissing back up his balls, in anticipation….

I slide both my hands up his thighs and then, let my right caress his hip and come to rest there, while I bring my left up and place it gently on his shaft, squeezing the base gently as I do.

Looking into his eyes, I give him a wicked grin and I lean in closer and playfully flick the head of his cock with my tongue. I pull the skin of his shaft down gently. I put my lips over it and begin to suck just the head. While I suck, I slide my hand up and down his shaft.

I begin taking more and more of him into my mouth until he touches the back of my throat. I can feel that he’s brushing against the ridges on the roof of my mouth. I begin moving myself up and down over his shaft, around the tip, sucking as I move up to increase the friction. When I reach the tip, I swirl my tongue around it once, before going back down.

Going faster now, I take my hand, which had been lightly gripping the base of his penis and make it slightly tighter. I move it up to meet my mouth on its way back down your shaft and then use it to lead my mouth back down to the base. I lightly run my free hand over his hip and around the back of your thigh, down to the bend in his knee and back up while I continue.

Feeling T start to tense up, I bring the hand that was caressing his hip up and gently cup his balls. Jiggling them slightly, I feel you stiffen even more. Moving up and down his shaft faster and faster, I feel his cock pulsing in my hand. I thrust his cock in my mouth, once, twice more and as I go down the next time, I feel him shoot your warm liquid in my mouth. I suck hard, milking T’s cock of every last drop he can give me.

When he finishes, I move up one last time, squeezing the last leftover drop from the tip of his cock, and run my tongue over the whole head again. I take my mouth off your cock and run my tongue over the veined underside one last time.

I stand up then, watching you watch me. I take a step back, and undress, first my shirt, then my short skirt, followed by my bra and panties. I smile at you and sit beside you. You put your arm around me and I put my head on your shoulder. You kiss my forehead and we sit quietly for a few minutes.

You squeeze my shoulder and say, “Hey….you wanna get those 40’s out of the fridge and sit on the hood of the Pinto and chill for a while?”

Fuckin’ right I do.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Come to Jesus

If anyone is looking for me, I'll be getting my freak-on at the Grace Church tonight.
Love me hard and love me often,

Friday, October 20, 2006

Stripper Down

I fucking told her she didn't have the upper body strength to do the pole. Does she listen to me? Nooooooooooo, of course not. Why listen to Zanna...she's just some silly fucked up bitch "lati-da'ing" her way through life, right?

Well, to my DELIGHT, Amy from the Wack-A-Mole took a fucking header today during pole practice. Between you and me..she fucking sucks as a dancer. Fucking sucksdonkeydickandchokesonthespunk. I mean check those moves out. I don't even like looking at her with clothes ON let alone off. Thank God when I'm in the club it's dark and I'm drunk.

And because you were a cunt to me today Amy..I'm posting this. And you're on your own putting Clearisil on your ass.

I think tonight, perhaps..I will dance to "Come to Papa" by Bob Seger. Makes me feel like grinding on a stranger's lap. Always did. Always will.

Anyway, heeeereeeeesss Amy.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Something Fishy in the Taint

As Zanna has mentioned, I am back to construction for the winter. We are building a huge house for some trust-funder punk from scratch, and today we were clearing trees on a sidehill, in an early season blizzard. The picture is my boss trying to show off in his truck, and planting it firmly between 2 trees.

The crew and I said fuck it, we'll dig it out tomorrow; then went to the bar. Chainsawing in a snowstorm sucks. Sometimes you just gotta quit early.

Anyhoo, you know how after drinking all day sometimes a story comes out that you may regret later? Our laborer, Chucky Chez Ezz, told just such a story moments ago. I hauled ass to borrow some wi-fi, while the story is fresh.

Last winter, Chucky was working at Flap-Ass Mountain Ski Resort and Bass Fishery, when in walked a woman he hadn't seen in years. Turns out she had married and had children. And was the first woman to give him crabs. They were partying one night several years ago, one thing led to another, they humped and a day or so later it was like a micro-jungle on his genitals. Chucky used the old fashioned method his granddad taught him to get rid of the little parasites.

Get 2 bricks, kerosene and a match. Cover your pubes in the kerosene, light it. When the crabs crawl up your penis to escape the flames from the enchanted forest, smash them with the bricks while they are stranded on the tip.....

Well, 2 months later he was drunk at another party when Charlize Tuna showed up. Yeah, they fucked like grunion under a full moon, and yes, she gave him crabs a second time. I mean, this girl had to keep ice in her panties to keep the little guys fresh. Chucky decided to try removing his pubes entirely this time. With Nair.

Well, after getting crabs twice from the same girl he swore off relations with her ever again. For about 3 more months. You guessed it, Chucky was drinking heavily at the Booze-O-Rama Nightclub when Charlize arrived. He was going down on her in the bathroom, when it dawned on the poor bastard he was tonguing the Tuna that gave him crabs twice. He stopped speaking for a moment.

Slowly, Chucky said "I threw up directly onto her twat." He then wiped it off, fucked her, and went home with his THIRD case of the crabs.

To paraphrase a wise man, diamonds may be forever, but you never forget the first time you eat crabs.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Just Got Me a Winter Gig

I gotta do this quick because I'm on in about 10 minutes. But I just want to let you all know, that I've gotten my winter gig. I applied for 4 jobs.

1. Moose-Taint County short bus driver
2. Moose Taint County Bowling Alley Girl
3. Moose-Taint County Geriatric Facility and
4. Dancer at the Deja Vu. Moose-Taint County's local strip club.

I got the dancing gig.

Now, before you ask me if I'm part of the "Trifecta", as they like to call the 3 "facially-challenged" ones, I'm not (not that I feel like one of the 50 beautiful ones either-not today anyway) However, Amy from the Wack-A-Mole, is part of the "Trifecta". And man, was she bullshit about that in the "prep" room when she made me put flesh-tone Clearasil on her ass-zits before she went on tonight.

T has gotten a carpentry gig...which I'm not so sure how well it's going since I JUST got a text message which read, "motherfucking snakes on a motherfuking plane!" And when I texted back, "whaddayamean?" There was no response. It is so cryptic and yet says so much at the same time.

They just escorted some dude out because he gave Amy from the Wack-A-Mole a dollar and asked for change back.

Well, time to tuck up that tampon string and get this party started. I'm dancing to "In the Evening" by Led Zepplin (click the link if you want to hear it). I've danced before and that song makes me feel sexy as FUCK. I'm thinking it's good for my first time out at this place tonight.

I'm gonna be human for a minute. Not try to be funny or sarcastic or anything. But you know what? All of a sudden I am missing T big time. Like, it makes my chest hurt and I feel like I could choke on the lump in my throat. I'm nervous to go on and he makes me feel better and we worked together all season, and I dunno...I just wish he was here right now.

Anyway, they just "announced" me. Wish me luck...

Sunday, October 01, 2006

There is No Place Like Home

First, just let me say it's good to be back at the corndog trailer and T's very strong, muscular, tree-choppin, chainsaw usin' arms. Oh and that the wedding sucked.

The whole fucking time I had to listen to my cousin go on and on about the time T set her fake tits on fire and "I chould make T pay for new one...pesos don't grow on tress, ju know".

No, bitch, pesos DON'T grow on trees so why don't you go and pray to the " Virgin Mary in a Bathtub" thing you have in your yard and maybe there will be some kind of fucking miracle.

I would also like to say that the Mexican heat coupled with fine polyester wedding garb tend to be a lethal combination. With that said, I would like to say this. JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE MAKING EYE CONTACT WITH ME DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T TELL YOU ARE SCRATCHING YOUR BALLS. During conversation, just because you have made eye contact with me does not mean I no longer have peripheral vision. And I don't mean just one of those "adjustments" men make...or the patented "quick scratch"(the one where the guy's eyes dart around to see if you saw him). I mean...the kind of scratching that makes me want to mace you dead with "Tough-actin' Tinactin' and a bic lighter. I'm just saying.

Anyway, T has given me a RIGHTEOUS welcome home. Breakfast in bed has got a WHOLE new meaning, now. And I'm hoping that Wal*Mart will have something to get the "meaning" out of the sheets if you know what I'm saying (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Ahoy, matey!

We've also got to get the Moose-Taint County Sunday paper and check out the classifieds. We need to get jobs for the winter now that corn-doggin' is gonna be on the backburner for the winter months.

In the meantime, here is a video they gave us as a "wedding keepsake". We had to dance to the song like 3 times at the reception. Where of course, my cousin, while she was dancing, had to keep pointing out how her tits don't bounce in unison thanks to the fact that, "ju husbang burn my eeeemplangts." God. Fucking GET OVER it. Sell your donkey or something.