Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Romancing the Stone

You know how like..Sometimes you see someone and think "Oh I would NEVER fuck THAT"? And you think to yourself (or out loud, if you were me), "Sa-weeet Fancy Moses, this person would make a freight train take a dirt road...."

But then you hang out with them for a while (dramatic pause) and you get to like them and then you start to see the beauty in them (or you get drunk and then your beer goggles are set on "stun"). Either way, you know what I'm getting at.

Well, as you know, T and I do like to hang out with Aunt Flo and her bitch-on-wheels sister Sylvia. Hanging with a couple of old nasty whores makes you not fear you own imminent agedness and when they are drunk and feisty they actually make it look fun. Christ, do I ramble or what..anyway, Jimmy comes out and hangs with us too and he's..well...there is no real delilcate way to say this...he's developed a penchant for the "older ladies".

Wait..that WAS a delicate way to say that.

Let me put some "patina" on it. He's into banging old pussy. The fucking Sahara Desert has more moisture than the snatch he's banging. (And for a grammatical dissertation on the word "bang" please click here)

So, me and T go get Flo and Syl and head on out to "Stinky Pinky All Night Bump and Grind Country Bar". We walk in and there is Jimmy.....trying to get his fuck on with Ms. Loretta.

Jimmy is trying his damndest to woo her and he's pouring her a heady elixer of vanilla Ensure and Kalhua. Ms. Loretta has got the gout, rheumatoid artheritis and some scoliosis. That's not the worst part though. The worst part is the halatosis. We THOUGHT she had Stolgitis but it turns out that was her maiden name.

T was taking bets that her "McFlap" was sporting some serious salmonella (which reminds me of the time we walked in on Jimmy going down on Flo...he looked at us like a deer in the headlights and yelled, "I'M NOT EATING IT, I'M JUST SMELLING IT")....But I digress... (ADD sucks).

I knew something was going on because T could barely get his whiskey down through his shit eating grin. He hits my arm and points and I turn to look and Jimmy had taken his penis out and is showing Miss Loretta the effects of Dr. Jumbo's Penis Enlargement Cream.

Flo got jealous, stood up and loudly accused Loretta of making such shitty doilies they couldn't even stand up to "gentle cycle", Loretta accused Flo of being a whore and to go back to her house of ill-repute. To which Flo's response was, "at least it's a house of ill repute with a good reputation" (that was funny to me at first..now..not so much).

Anyway, Jimmy did not get his fuck on that night.

The offended Miss Loretta wheeled herself out in a tirade and jacknifed herself out on the handicapped ramp and T had to pull her back up and couldn't resist a making an OUI comment.

So, now Loretta has a new "hobby". For fucks sake, Jimmy. Don't "draw" on her again. Keep it in your pants before you get your sac blown off. If she uses buckshot, your balls are going to look like one of her piece of shit doilies. And do you REALLY want to be accused of not being able to handle the "gentle cycle?". Dork.


Dragulf said...

That brought back the days of scraping off the gum from under the desks in high school because I called this little twerp a bastard.

T+Z, I love your blog!

walrus gumboot said...

Beautiful segue to the Spankatorium.

Is Jimmy a euphemism for cock-ninja??

Zanna said...

Unfortunately no...we met Jimmy after I wrecked the pinto the first time.

Walrus Gumboot said...

Okay then, are Aunt Flo and her sister Sylvia those two elderly ladies with the hot "motorcycle lips" sitting on the couch in that identity theft commercial???

Zanna said...

I fucking LOVE that commercial....
"sounds good cuz they free.."

ApacheRose said...

Reminds me of this time a friend of mine got caught going down on his girlfriend on the roof of the tallest building at their college. You'd think they'd have been safe up there, right? Nope. Fucking police helicopters....

That shit gave me ammo to fuck with him for YEARS!

Italian grandma fucking Stallion said...

Send that old bag to Iraq and the fucking war is over, no doubt in my mind.........

I'd hit it............


spankcheeks said...

I wear doilies as nipple pasties for the specialest occasions, like funerals or bar mitzvahs.

Italian stallion said...

Granny's got a gun
Granny's got a gun
Her whole world's come undone
From lookin' straight at the sun
What did grand pappy do?
To make Granny sniff all that glue?
They said when Granny was arrested
they found Pappy underneath a train
But man, he had it comin' Now that Granny's got a gun
she ain't never gonna be the same.

Granny's got a gun
Granny's got a gun
Her dog day's just begun
Now everybody is on the run
Tell me now it's untrue.
What did Grand Pappy do?
He jacked all her medication
The man has got to be insane
They say the spell that he was under the lightning and the
thunder knew that someone had to stop the rain..........

Second thing that popped in my head......

Zanna said...

Wow..I go get a mammogram (oh, is that too much information? Too bad!) and I come back to Stallion singing with Spanks wearing doilie pasties. And then the sun came out and I think world peace is on the horizon. Life is good!!!!

pinky_nip said...

Zanna: Thanks for letting me use my hands and mouth as your mammography machine.

I miss you all on Spanks.. I've been held hostage at work and can't get a moment to get on. Hell, I can't even get a moment to get off!

Zanna said...

It is I who should be thanking YOU, Pinky. *you didn't have to squeeze it like you did, but you did and you did...and I thank you*

cock-ninja said...

I feel like I've been thrown into the abyss of old bitch obscuntity, dried out clamitosis and bloody cummy queef bubbles.

Old and hideous with abscessed stinky teeth and snatch ...yet... hmmm... maybe she's some kind of an 'eknobler'. Someone who is extremely ugly but gives incredibly tremendous head and you just can't bring yourself to leave them.

I'm making myself sick.


LadyJane said...

Yay... a vagina free thread..

uh, wait... fuck...

really, after looking at those McFlaps forEVER, I've decided to be hetero for a bit.

Don't worry, though. I'll come back to the pink meat curtain side soon.....

TrannyGranny said...

Cock N

It's cause old ladies can take their teeth out and chew on your cock...I like to press it to the roof of their mouths and make them try to lick it away like a dog with a mouthful of me-nut butter. er, Peanut butter I meant....Yeah, and I also meant Jimmy, when I used the first person accidentally...Uh, gotta go cook a corndog, bye.

Zanna said...


Why do you think T keeps me around? For my butterscotch colored skin, DD tits and tight gant? NO.

Because I let him bruise my uvula and love his "him-nut" butter.

Uh, I gotta go fry something too, bye.

12:17 AM

Dragulf said...

Hi ya'll. I was wondering what oil you use to fry "man's best friends" in?

@ Walrus, read the entire blog m8. Well worth your time!

p.s. You asking for bacon, ham and sausage in a Kosher store was priceless! Along with the mini Crips.

LadyJane said...

Hey, when are you guys gonna get hitched? And how's the pimping of the pinto comin' along????

Zanna said...

Well, we've had some financial setbacks what with having Aunt Flo and then Aunt Sylvia dumped on us in two months. And then there was bailing out Jimmy when he got popped for OUI and Tranny's doctor bill from the Accu-punch-here (which is ongoing because his yang is so fucking hot). So the pinto project is still on hold...and we're working on the wedding. I should probably do an update on that.

chillytatas said...

Zanna, I can save you some money, I took a course in accu-punch-here a few weeks ago and my instructor told me I was more or less good to go. Let me at him!!

LadyJane said...

Is that a burned up pinto behind Loretta???