Thursday, August 17, 2006

Helga, We Hardly Knew Ye....

Being a bearded lady - you get some flack just because you're a freak. Being a bearded lady with a shaved twat..you get flack and alot of questions. (Like if you'll shave THAT, why won't you shave your face?) Being a bearded lady with a shaved twat who just killed a man - well, it's even too much for Helga to take.

The updated coroner's report came in and it turns out Hannoush did not die of asphyxiation. Helga snapped his neck in two during her ferocious orgasm. Z, being the kind soul that she is, whipped up some of her famous guacamole to cheer Helga up (because NOTHING cheers a bitch up after killing a man like some guac). Helga was face down in the bowl, when some school children began dancing around her, chanting "She's eating Wack-a-Mole-Lay". I chased them off, but the damage was done. I KNOW she's a woman, but it is awfully hard to comfort someone with a beard as thick as mine.

The final straw came, when she tried to pay her respects to what may have been the lamentable love of her life. The Bin-Laden brothers decided to send Hanoush off in a traditional Arab manner, complete with the tent they used to skulk in the desert in. Z whispered in awe "What a beautiful pavillion, I always thought they just cremated themselves in crowded bazaars"

Well, Helga for one, is also an immigrant, and not ignorant about other cultures feelings, so she felt dressing in the traditional chador would perhaps keep the Bin-Ladens from wreaking vengeance, until her respects had been paid. Not the best thought out plan, but at least they didn't recognize her. What they did see was a beard sticking out from under the veil....and freaked. The words "Salamaat Al-Cross Dresser" were shrieked, hummus was tossed and Helga ran crying.

She told Z and I she was going back to the family farm in Auschwitz, Poland, where she had happy childhood memories. Her grandfather was some sort of employee at a childrens camp there during the war, and loved it so much he left Germany and happily grew beats and cabbages there for many years. I guess he was eventually executed by an Israeli firing squad in the 1960's, but I never did get the full story.

Helga "The Bearded Lady" Eichman, we are going to miss you

12 comments:

chillytatas said...

Maybe Helga will finally shave her beard and sew it into an oven mit as something to remember her by.

LadyJane said...

i'm very confused

Anonymous said...

Join the club.........

pinky_nip said...

Sometimes, when I'm blue, I think of Zanna's guac and then I'm horny.

chillytatas said...

Ladyjane, I'm sorry about the confusion, I was in Happy Magical Land last night.

Anonymous said...

How did you get a picture of Aunt Helga? We thought she was killed when she tried to take her beard off with a weed whacker. We had a pet leopard that went missing the same time as Aunt Helga. OH the horror the horror. Say you didnt make a coat out of Fluffy! Is Mercury in retrograde cuz I am really freaking out right now.

Sob, sob, PaganQueen

ptprez said...

maybe helga should of stood on her head

spankcheeks said...

Corndog batter, Zanna's guacamole, doesn't matter. Cover your shorn (or unshorn) beaver with the good stuff and prepare for a sense of calm you've never known.

smellypiratehooker said...

Am I invited, Spanks? Sounds yummy.

Dragulf said...

hummus was tossed! The guacamole line had me laughing out loud for five minutes.

What's up with your blog? I have been checking it a few times every day since 9 comments on the Corndog Love post and it just now refreshed! I feel I have missed out on so much!

Zanna said...

I dunno, Dragulf...we've been updating and stuff since Corndog love..hope all is well with your 'puter!

Dragulf said...

I know why Helga left. The real reason, no matter what they tell ya. She went to find some Real Polish Sausage!