Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Romancing the Stone

You know how like..Sometimes you see someone and think "Oh I would NEVER fuck THAT"? And you think to yourself (or out loud, if you were me), "Sa-weeet Fancy Moses, this person would make a freight train take a dirt road...."

But then you hang out with them for a while (dramatic pause) and you get to like them and then you start to see the beauty in them (or you get drunk and then your beer goggles are set on "stun"). Either way, you know what I'm getting at.

Well, as you know, T and I do like to hang out with Aunt Flo and her bitch-on-wheels sister Sylvia. Hanging with a couple of old nasty whores makes you not fear you own imminent agedness and when they are drunk and feisty they actually make it look fun. Christ, do I ramble or what..anyway, Jimmy comes out and hangs with us too and he's..well...there is no real delilcate way to say this...he's developed a penchant for the "older ladies".

Wait..that WAS a delicate way to say that.

Let me put some "patina" on it. He's into banging old pussy. The fucking Sahara Desert has more moisture than the snatch he's banging. (And for a grammatical dissertation on the word "bang" please click here)

So, me and T go get Flo and Syl and head on out to "Stinky Pinky All Night Bump and Grind Country Bar". We walk in and there is Jimmy.....trying to get his fuck on with Ms. Loretta.

Jimmy is trying his damndest to woo her and he's pouring her a heady elixer of vanilla Ensure and Kalhua. Ms. Loretta has got the gout, rheumatoid artheritis and some scoliosis. That's not the worst part though. The worst part is the halatosis. We THOUGHT she had Stolgitis but it turns out that was her maiden name.

T was taking bets that her "McFlap" was sporting some serious salmonella (which reminds me of the time we walked in on Jimmy going down on Flo...he looked at us like a deer in the headlights and yelled, "I'M NOT EATING IT, I'M JUST SMELLING IT")....But I digress... (ADD sucks).

I knew something was going on because T could barely get his whiskey down through his shit eating grin. He hits my arm and points and I turn to look and Jimmy had taken his penis out and is showing Miss Loretta the effects of Dr. Jumbo's Penis Enlargement Cream.

Flo got jealous, stood up and loudly accused Loretta of making such shitty doilies they couldn't even stand up to "gentle cycle", Loretta accused Flo of being a whore and to go back to her house of ill-repute. To which Flo's response was, "at least it's a house of ill repute with a good reputation" (that was funny to me at first..now..not so much).

Anyway, Jimmy did not get his fuck on that night.

The offended Miss Loretta wheeled herself out in a tirade and jacknifed herself out on the handicapped ramp and T had to pull her back up and couldn't resist a making an OUI comment.

So, now Loretta has a new "hobby". For fucks sake, Jimmy. Don't "draw" on her again. Keep it in your pants before you get your sac blown off. If she uses buckshot, your balls are going to look like one of her piece of shit doilies. And do you REALLY want to be accused of not being able to handle the "gentle cycle?". Dork.




Thursday, August 24, 2006

50,000 Battered Women.....

....and all these years you've been eating them plain...(badoom-boom---thank you, I'll be here all week!)

T's latest and greatest invention. The "Boom-Box" sandwich. You can eat it plain or it can make special sauce for his corndog. Oh so tasty and satisfying.

This has nothing to do with ANYTHING. Why am I posting this? Because I can. Because I know you freaks and you can't LOOK AWAY. You don't want to. And you won't. Not for a while. G'head. Click on the picture..then you can see it better. Do it.

I'll be at the corndog stand autographing copies of my twat (aka "The Boom Box"). C'mon down. And that expression that is on your face right now? Look at me like that when you get here. Because people who leer at me all dirty-like makes me feel pretty. And then this song will play in my head.

Yea, you know what? It's only sexual harrassment if it's unwanted. That there is a fact AND a loophole.

*du nu nu nu nu....I'm lovin' it*

____________________IN RESPONSE TO NICK'S POST

Yes, Nick, there is a cuntastic array. You want fries with that?

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Hot Meat on Meat Action

There is a reason The Onion is America's finest news source. That reason is diligent reporting. Zanna and I use it as our main source of current events coverage, and that is why we have so much information other people are unaware of.

Just last week, The Onion scooped Food Network! See, Z and I watch Food Network religiously for all the new food trends, we intend to stay on top of the corndog pile. While F.N. snoozed, The Onion reported that America's #2 condiment (behind ketchup) is now...

Meat.

F.N. didn't have diddly-squat to say about THAT, although Bobby Flay, that over-rated little bitch, is trying to make it look as if he knew about this trend years ago. Suck up to the meat-condiment hard enough, Flay, and the meat you are looking for will enter your little homo mouth.

Soooo, I went to "Right? Of Course Right! Meats" the kosher deli, intending to buy some bacon. They didn't have any, no sausage or pork loin either. In fact the Israeli born butcher, Ariel Caroll, spoke loudly thru his nose, and threw me out, kept yelling "kosher, kosher". What kind of meat market has pickles, but no bacon?

Zanna and I were planning on experimenting with bacon-wrapped jalapeno dogs, after watching some Rachel Ray. And doing it doggy style. (That idea revolutionized TV watching, thanks Bloodhound Gang). Ray's show isn't called "30 Minute Meals" for nothing!

Oh, the Onion also pointed out that Alice in Chains is playing a reunion show in Denver...Denver, pshaw, what kind of hillbillly actually lives in Colorado?

I digress. Occurred to me to ask; who did Alice find to play the Ouja board?

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Helga, We Hardly Knew Ye....

Being a bearded lady - you get some flack just because you're a freak. Being a bearded lady with a shaved twat..you get flack and alot of questions. (Like if you'll shave THAT, why won't you shave your face?) Being a bearded lady with a shaved twat who just killed a man - well, it's even too much for Helga to take.

The updated coroner's report came in and it turns out Hannoush did not die of asphyxiation. Helga snapped his neck in two during her ferocious orgasm. Z, being the kind soul that she is, whipped up some of her famous guacamole to cheer Helga up (because NOTHING cheers a bitch up after killing a man like some guac). Helga was face down in the bowl, when some school children began dancing around her, chanting "She's eating Wack-a-Mole-Lay". I chased them off, but the damage was done. I KNOW she's a woman, but it is awfully hard to comfort someone with a beard as thick as mine.

The final straw came, when she tried to pay her respects to what may have been the lamentable love of her life. The Bin-Laden brothers decided to send Hanoush off in a traditional Arab manner, complete with the tent they used to skulk in the desert in. Z whispered in awe "What a beautiful pavillion, I always thought they just cremated themselves in crowded bazaars"

Well, Helga for one, is also an immigrant, and not ignorant about other cultures feelings, so she felt dressing in the traditional chador would perhaps keep the Bin-Ladens from wreaking vengeance, until her respects had been paid. Not the best thought out plan, but at least they didn't recognize her. What they did see was a beard sticking out from under the veil....and freaked. The words "Salamaat Al-Cross Dresser" were shrieked, hummus was tossed and Helga ran crying.

She told Z and I she was going back to the family farm in Auschwitz, Poland, where she had happy childhood memories. Her grandfather was some sort of employee at a childrens camp there during the war, and loved it so much he left Germany and happily grew beats and cabbages there for many years. I guess he was eventually executed by an Israeli firing squad in the 1960's, but I never did get the full story.

Helga "The Bearded Lady" Eichman, we are going to miss you

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Corndog Love

WOOT!!! We just got a package in the mail with a video made just for US!!!! It's called Corn Dog Love by the Barnyard Playboys from Brooklyn (hmm...recent visit by Stallion's uncle Guiseppe from Brooklyn and now this..coincidence?....I think not!).

I knew our corndog batter based on the theory of relativity was going to inspire someone to do something besides take a Bliblical shit.

That's right, I said BIBLICAL. Think about that for a minute..I don't have to explain it. I know you know exactly what I mean. Go ahead, tell me you don't.

I hope Corndog Love gets stuck in your head.




Monday, August 14, 2006

Sno Cone Trailer for Sale

8' Sno Cone trailer complete with what's left of accessories and extensive pornography collection. A steal at 1,200.00. Usually goes brand new for over 6K (the sno-cone trailer not the porn collection).

Comes with free Camel and Habib Van with a cool bumper sticker.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Death By Camel Toe

R.I.P. (Rest In Pussy) Hannoush Bin-Ladin 1962-2006.

A tragic accident at the park today. Really don't know how to explain it except for just telling it like it is.

Turns out Hannoush was a fucking pervert. He figured out when he was dating Amy from the Wack-A-mole that he could check out ladies' bosoms as they wacked the moles. Meanwhile, back at the bat-cave, Helga (aka..the resident bearded lady) also figured out (simultaneously) that if she sat on the wack-a-moles after hours...she could..how you say in English.....I dunno...get the "moles in both holes?"

Yea.. you know what I'm saying.

So it's after dark, and Helga is sitting on the Wack-A-Mole machine with a stein of German lager...and Hannoush decided to up the ante by taking the back of the Wak-a-Mole machine off. Well, as he strained to get a better look into Helga's "mole-habitat"...a piston comes up, making one of the "moles" whack Hannoush in the chin..violently thrusting his head firmly into her gant.

Apparently, the death throes of a goat-licking camel-fucker are greater than the cordless Bunny Pearl. Helga had the greatest orgasm of her life. And as Hannoush prepared to meet Allah, he realized, there's no such thing as 70 Virgins. And that the Koran never said anything about a giant clam suffocating you to death. Imagine dying in that kind of confusion. Allah-Akbar, indeed.

T and I heard the sirens and ran to see what all the commotion was about. The fireman showed up, with the jaws of life..but it was too late.

Helga was angry..she though she finally found THE ONE. Before us lay death, dissapointment, heartbreak and devastation - all accompanied by the entire Moose-Taint County Fire Department.

Do you want to know what the irony of all this is? The beared lady shaves her snatch. Go figure. If that's not enough to make you stand there at 1:20 am and scratch your ass in disbelief, nothing is.

The only good thing is the Wack-A-Mole machine was saved. And as soon as the Dollar Store opens in the morning, me and Amy are going to go get some Febreeze to Febreeze the moles. Cuz you know...we're all about customer service.

We'd like to dedicate this song to Hannoush....

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Focusing on Cheech

I strained my back muscles a few days ago. Let's just say it involved me, Z, vodka and a stump. Well, this Chinee doctor comes to the stand sometimes, and he said he could fix it using this technique called an Accu-Punch-Here. Sounds a lot like voodoo, only the good doc is going to bypass the doll and stick pins directly in me. Methinks about it.....why the hell not?

So, this morning finds me laying down on a table, in my underwear, while Dr. Mai Phat Duc Dong sticks needles in me. Felt kinda tingly, like Pop Rocks in your blood. He looked at my tongue and checked my pulse, and told me my yang was to hot. Shit, tell me something I don't know. Said I need to eat more leafy vegetables to cool it off. I told him that was up to Zanna.

Well, while I'm laying there, Dr. Duc Dong begins telling me about this fad sweeping China, started by some guy named Feng Shooey. Apparently this Feng Shooey will come to your house and re-arrange your furniture, and put little mirrors all over the place to help people focus on Cheech. Love Cheech and Chong, and think its great the Chinee are learning about them.

But, it turns out that Cheech is some kinda energy, and that if your furniture and mirrors are placed just right, you can be more prosperous, and have better energy. And with a billion of those little guys wanting their furniture moved, I bet this Feng Shooey is gonna be so rich he can hire Bill Gates as a garden-boy.

Hmm, I wonder what Chong means?

Then Dr. Duc Dong pulled all the needles out, and damned if my back isn't as good as new! I'm all about the Chinee medicine now, except for those rancid herbs he told me to make into tea. Tastes like catshit smells, and looks like septic water.

When I told Zanna about the visit, she smiled from ear to ear. She's pretty smart about a lot of things, and went straight to Walmart to buy a bunch of mirrors to hang all over the bedroom, to "focus as much Cheech as possible on your Super-Hot Yang."

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

www.drjambo.com

So. Yea. The other day when we were at Stallion's place filming Uncle Guiseppe's dissertation...we let Jimmy use our laptop. And the first place he went? Porn (naturally). And the second place? Ebay. His purchase? Dr. Jambo's Penis Enlargement Cream.

Of course he had it sent to OUR P.O. Box at the fucking post office. So you can imagine my surprize when I go to pick up the mail. I'm like, "WTF...i can't BELIEVE T would spend his money on this shit" and then of course I had to go and think if I had made any corndog references at the stand that might have made him feel inadequate...that would have made him buy this crap. But there is no way because I always call him my 100% USDA Aproved Piledriver. Yea, it doesn't flow off the tounge when you read it but saying it when your riding the white pony that is Tranny...it rolls off.....screaming.

So I get back to the stand I just hold it up. Neither one of us had to speak words..it's all in the exchange of looks and body language. He's looking at me like, "YOU BITCH why did you buy that" and I'm giving that, "YOU BASTARD why did you buy this?" So mathematically, two negative looks equal one positive look. And that's when w we came to the realization.....JIMMY.

So T gets this look across his face-he's going to have FUN with this so he goes to the woods to see Jimmy to drop it off. And hits him with a mindblowing statment that is way BEYOND, "if there is a tree in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a noise?"

"Dude...don't you think if you put this on your dick, then your hand is going to get bigger too?"

I love when he comes up with shit like that.