Saturday, July 29, 2006

The Dog Food Diet

A word for those of you who haven't heard of BigJim: He is the richest guy I know, the inventor of the "Dog Food Diet". Yeah, THAT BigJim. For those of you who aren't health concious like Z and I, that is the most effective weight loss program since Atkins. Effective in its simplicity, it is based on common dry dogfood. You buy a large bowl, and fill it everyday. That is all you eat at first, dry dogfood and pure water....no human table scraps for you, buddy. The genius is in the diets simplicity. You eat as much as you want, whenever you want, but ONLY dry dogfood and water. As the weight comes off, you are allowed a half-can of wet dogfood twice a week. See, it is also a full body health plan, because after the first 6 weeks you are allowed a single rawhide once a day, or when you've been extra good, to help keep your teeth shiny. Later, once your fat-ass is svelte again, you are allowed egg yolks to help keep your hair shiny. Incredibly popular in Canada, Los Angeles and Miami, it is keeping models skinny, and saving the lives of lard-asses everywhere. Buy the book, fatso, he explains it much better.

And he made a fucking fortune with it. Said the idea came while pulling bong hits and watching his neighbors cockapoos hump.

I met BigJim years ago, at the Calgary Stampede. We were both broke and working as rodeo clowns. A rogue bull got loose and BJ was to heavily muscled to fit into the barrel, and was almost gored to death before I managed to distract the bovine, and we've been friends ever since. Here is a video of one of BigJim's finest moments. BigJim is..well...the big one. He's graceful. Graceful like swan.

13 comments:

jane's eyre said...

T&Z, I've actually been on this diet, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I've moved to having the wet dog food twice a week, but it always gives me uncontrollable flatulence and makes my dumps really loose and smelly. I mean, I seriously have to clear the house before I go to the bathroom, otherwise I have to keep on replacing the broken windows in my house from people jumping through them to escape the smell. Any suggestions?

LadyJane said...

Uh, yeah, jane... you can forget about our little lesbian tryst tonight, 'kay? Call me when you're back on the meat and potatoes.

Still cunt wait though...

LadyJane said...

Check your email, Tranny...

jane's eyre said...

Okay ladyjane, in the meantime you can email me at cunti@cuntofferson.com

Tranny said...

Jane;

It has been a while since I read the book, but perhaps your system is a bit delicate for twice a week, perhaps start with once a week or even switch to a different brand of wet food. Always stay away from generic brands, they can give the most hardened intestinal track the ability to squirt a shit thru a keyhole at 30 paces. And, you look Fabulous darling, good work!

LadyJane;

Checked the email, nothing from Canada, must not have came thru?

tarjamarja said...

This is seriously my all time pet peeve. How come they can make balanced, nutritious dry foods for dogs but not for humans? Why can't we have a similar selection of dry food for humans - different kinds for kids, seniors, active, light, etc.? You could eat them with milk, yoghurt or juice and never have to bother with cooking again. Why, oh why must we bother ourselves with cooking and calories and vitamins and whatnot when dogs have it so easy?

Okay, where can I get a copy of BigJim's book? I am so switching to dog food today. From now on, the dog and I will share the same bowl!

zanna said...

You know what tarjamarja...that's a fucking good point. All we'd have to worry about is what flavor we wanted. You better go patent that.

jane's eyre said...

My coworker says he wonders why they don't make catfood taste like what cats would eat if they were out in the wild. Like crickets, flies, grass, birds, etc. What cat knows how to catch salmon, shrimp, chicken, and make turkey & giblets?

He makes an excellent point. I think I'll go catch some crickets & flies and start my own cat food brand.

Also excellent for human consumption.

Jacq said...

I used to have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog(?). On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

jane's eyre said...

jacq, good to see you here. That story rocked.

tarjamarja said...

jacq, if someone asked me something that stupid, I probably wouldn't bother with a hilarious story like that. I'd just say no, I don't have a dog, but I do have a husband that needs to be fed. ;)

Italian Stallion said...

That was probably one of the funniest stories I've read on any site in a long time, and I'm being completly serious.......Great story Jacq, I'm glad I told you to stop by here, make sure you come back though, these other people bore me..........So kidding everyone, you guys are great!!!!!!

Dragulf said...

Were you poisoned? No, I got hit by a car.

I am ashamed to admit I have tried dogfood. In my defense, I will admit I was 9 at the time... A bit dry and crunchy and bland btw. Yes, I still remember. It's like the Fuel Injector Cleaning fluid I drank once. I still remember what that tastes like also.