Thursday, June 29, 2006

Corndog Trailer is Gonna Rock the Home Field

Well, the town Z and I live in may not be as exciting as Indianapolis, or even Jacksonville, but our city council pulls something out of their ass every once and again. This time it is a 4rth of July music festival they are calling "The First Annual Musical Bridge Festival" I don't know who came up with that stupid name, but it is a 4-day punk rock/reggae spectacular. On the reggae side they brought in Burning Branch, Rusted Root, Shanti Groove and the Kenny Rastas are Roasted. I only heard the first few names on the punk end before I was hollering with excitement, and didn't catch the rest: The AB Fucking Hates You Revival, Rancid and The Drop Kick Murphy's!!!! They also said "Manny Moore" would be playing, but I've been to a zillion concerts those cats were supposed to play at, and I've never seen them take the stage.

I'm not sure what an influx of hippies mixed with a contigent of skinheads will be like, but Corndog Trailer is ready with some easy-to-hold while moshing or groovin' food.

The 'Murphys! I can't believe it! I gotta go dig my kilt out of storage, I hope Zanna didn't modify it into that school girl uniform she was parading around in last night. And by "parading", I mean gyrating. For all of 15 seconds until I could get to her.

Monday, June 26, 2006

J.K. Rowling is a Crazy Bitch

Right. I just read on the Yahoo! news that J. K. Rowling has considered killing off Harry Potter in the last book. WHAT?

Everyone knows that magic, house elfs, basilisks, giblets of fire, (I ADORE Bbq giblets) all of that no longer happens, and that shit only happened during the Middle Ages. Thusly, Harry Potter is an historical documentary, not a work of fiction as Rowling has come to believe. I don't know where the fine line between brilliant historian, and psycho nut job lays, but JK has clearly crossed it.

I understand that certain historians get a bit to attached to their work, but seriously, an historian as driven as Rowling? Someone who has made history accurate and fun enough that even children wish to read it, again and again? For shame, Rowling, for shame, you no more have the "power" to "kill off your creation" than I have the power to pull bong hits with Ghengis Khan and Cleopatra. And how cool would that be?

Well in other news, Zanna has gone to the Piggly Wiggly to buy a whole pound of Turkey Bologna, she has this idea to lure Jimmy out, Bugs Bunny Style, and catch him in a box. The plan becomes a bit hazy as to what to do with him then, but I just want her to be happy. And, watching her bent over, tying string to a stick, to pull out the box makes ME happy. Cause those are some short shorts. And it takes her forever to tie a knot. And she doesn't mind me coming up behind her, to "help with this little bit of string you got here"

I am a lucky, lucky bastard

Sunday, June 25, 2006

I love this town and oh yea, Jimmy is MIA

You know, just when you think you want to pack up the corndog trailer and the pinto and start fresh....you see things like this that really make you realize there's no place like home. And of course as soon as we saw the sign, we looked at each other, smiled and T pulled a u-ey so fast I actually spilled my beer. That there is the worst form of alcohol abuse!

We had a great night. I got drunk and danced my ass off for T to all his favorite songs on the jukebox..then decided to give him a lapdance in the corner of the bar to this song (it's called "get inside" by Johnny A..I thought I was being sooo fucking coy with that one..yea, baby...get inside..get inside ME..you know you want to..).

The only thing is, in hindsight...why is it I feel compelled to:

1. sing into my bud bottle
AND
2. Hold it up over my head like the fucking statue of liberty when I dance.

At the time, I'm the sexiest motherfucker this side of the equator. And yet, the next day....there is this sense of shame.

But get this...so we saw Jimmy in the parking lot on the way home and he was still complaining about how that vision of a monster pig eating Jesus was haunting him. So T said, "c'mon with us and we'll drive the pinto to the top of that hill where we can latch onto someone's wi-fi and I'll show you something to get that vision out of your head". I figured we were gonna go look at porn.

Anyway make a long story short, we showed him this video and me and T were laughing so hard by the end of the video that we barely realized that the pinto door was open and Jimmy was gone. Then again, maybe we just told him to leave. It's really just a blur for me. But I think he's missing. If you have a sighting, please call: 1-334-756-3336.



Friday, June 23, 2006

Yet Another Reason to Hate Mimes

I have to admit, I am a little worried about Jimmy waiting for a deer with that shotgun. First, I am wondering if he knows which end of the boom-stick is which. Second, I hope he has deer slugs in that thing, because if he thinks buckshot is for bucks, this is going to be real messy. And we all know who Jimmy is going to drag that deer to, for skinnin' and Turkey Bologna makin'. Me. Hell, it's not even deer season.

Being the civic-minded good Samaratin that I am, I headed over to the liquor store to find out if Jimmy was alright. Zanna took the Pinto to Walmart (something about needing wax for the taco, I guess we're having Mexican for dinner), so I took the Beast of Burden in. Like Zanna says, nothing like the feel of some powerful wood between your legs.

I bought a couple 40's, and questioned the register jockey, Peg-Leg Eileen as to whether there had been any unusual ambulance activity. So far, so good, Eileen, balancing on her one good leg, said a couple of truckers saw an empty pile of bottles and an empty pair of shorts by the road, and no Jimmy.

Then, since it was slow, Peg-Leg Eileen decided to regale me with the tale of how she lost her leg: "Aarrgh, it was during the war, I was part of the OSS team dropped behind German lines outside of Paris. We were trying to bolster some resistance among the Frenchies, when a single German soldier appeared out of nowhere. I was unprepared for the bold French reaction, didn't realized an entire infantry regiment could turn and run so fast. They left behind a small mime-field to distract the German. I was so infuriated at the "man-trapped-in-a-box" routine that I kicked the first mime in the head, and it bit me. By the time I shook it off, it'd left a pretty good wound. Of course, all the clean, white bandages had been made into surrender flags, so I caught the gangrene, and had it amputated below the knee. Imagine, a regiment surrendering to what later turned out to be a lost German Army Potato Peeler, First Class. With a speech impediment and a mop as his only armaments. Fucking frogs."

I'm going home, the hammock beckons. The true horror of war is to much.

Pssst...your "jimmy" is hanging out...

Usually when I tell T his Jimmy is hanging out, he looks down, smiles then tackles me.

But this time, it's different. T and I were almost home when we came upon Jimmy just sitting there hanging out, on 2 cases of fine Canadian lager and holding a shotgun by a deer crossing sign.

I guess seeing a monster pig eat Jesus can have a profound effect on a man. He says if being a "vegetarian" was going to land him in jail, he was giving it up.

That's right, you heard it here first (as opposed to the 5:00 news)...Jimmy has made the executive decision that he isn't going to live off of wooodland mushrooms anymore and has decided he's going to shoot himself a 12 point buck and turn it into turkey bologna.

We just drove away at that point...T didn't have it in him to explain that turkey bologna wasn't made of venison. Not after my reaction when T told me the corndog at Buddahland was actually made of tofu. It was ugly. And I don't want to talk about it.

But you KNOW that Jimmy will go back to eating mushrooms....it's like when me and T drink too much and we wake up the next day, look at each other and say, "I'm NEVER drinking again.....until tomorrow."

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Best Analogy Ever


This must be how a parapalegic guy feels when he's getting a blow job.

Eating a Buddahland corndog fucking sucks. You know your eating it...you know you are supposed to enjoy it.

And yet, I don't feel a fucking thing.

Tossing for Buddha


Ok I had to come clean about the whole panty incident, and not by choice, either. While Z was asleep last night, I saw Budddha Land Amusement Park, and pulled into the parking lot for the night, we have to go check it out. Anyplace that bills itself "Terrify your way to the one, true light" is ok by me, and Zanna loves coasters.

We woke up on the hood of the Pinto, refreshed and rarin' to go, went back to Corndog trailer, opened the door, and.....Out jumps Freakshow Joe, screaming "Take this, corn-crotch!!!" and covers the two of us in silly-string, before escaping into Buddha Land.

I explained to Z that I had caught the little bastard red-handed, deep frying the panties, but I let him go for 2 reasons:

A: I was laughing so hard at him standing on 3 crates of cornmeal I couldn't beat his ass, and

B: Well, she did stuff him in a dryer, shower him in Miracle-Grow, video him dancing naked and made him carry us shots of Jaeger on his head until she finally passed out. (She is so cute when she is unconcious, all sprawled in every direction, looking vulnerable)

I told him it would be our secret, but as everyone already knows, Never Trust A Midget. I forgot about the 1/2 life of their mini-promises.

Anyway, I bet he is hiding around either the Self-Immolation Mine Ride, 7-Fold Gate of Death or the Sherpa This! Free Fall. And, I totally want to see what the Deli-Lama is selling for lunch, may have some good ideas. Can't wait for the place to open, dare-devil rides and a midget to toss.

Jimmy Funny Like Bob Hope

We finally had cell phone signal for like 10 minutes when we got a frantic call from Jimmy. Apparently he "foraged" and found a particular strain of a certain fungus that made him trip his ever loving socks off. And when he was alone and naked in the woods....saw a monster pig eat Jesus.

Well, being the good citizen that he is, Jimmy proceeded to the Grace Church to alert all of the Good Lord's followers that the second coming of Jesus was abruptly ended by a giant Sus scrofa domesticus. And no-fucking where in the Bible did it EVER say that.

So, while at the Grace Church Jimmy decides to fix the sign out front - you know...cuz the way he figures it the non-believers should be alerted - "cuz that there is the Christian thing to do"...and everyone knows non-believers like to eat at Denny's so they'll pass the Grace Church en route.

Anyway, Pastor Dan defended himself against Jimmy in the only way he knew how and it was to throw Holy Water at him. And now Jimmy thinks he's on fire so T stayed on the phone with him for over an hour convincing him if was on fire, he'd be dead by now.

The police are there - and there is a monster pig...but turns out it was just the one that got stolen from the Easter Seals Camp. No sign of Jesus though. Which sucks because I would have wanted his autograph. He was so hot in The Passion of the Christ. What he wasn't? He so was.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Short Note about Panty-Battering

What is it about Walmart? The fact that they have absolutely everything you need to survive just turns Zanna on!

Speaking of whom, I am writing a quick note, while she is off to "fertilize the Super Fund Site", as she likes to call using public restrooms. I need to sneak off and surprise her with some sexy new under-duds as well.

I am having quite some fun, watching her try and figure out how her other sexy-things got the corn dog treatment.

She should know by now that No-One batters her panties but me...

Off to find a lingerie store to see what 50 bucks and a coupon will buy.

Take the Long Way Home

We're at the Starbucks/Barnes And Noble bookstore making a pitstop right now. So, I'm having an espresso and he's in getting a Rand McNally map. They have wi-fi here so I thought I'd sit down and post a little something.

True to one of my favorite Supertramp songs, we're taking the long way home (that harmonica riff gives me the chills and makes me close my eyes and rock my head back and forth like Stevie Wonder). Anyway, this trip feels like a vacation.

Last night we stopped at Wal*Mart to watch American Chopper in the sight and sound department. We got a couple of chairs out of lawn and garden and kicked back. I love how people look at us when we pull that shit. Anyway, they were out of Pemmican Beef Jerkey and we had to settle for Oberto brand. Which T was not happy about but I told him, I said..."baby..if beef jerkey is the only thing you have to worry about right now, then we're doing GOOD".

That's when I noticed he was getting a hard-on. So in my usual sexaaaay-style I said, "oh, no baby..it's swelling up...maybe you have an infection...I think I need to suck out the poison".

Then we went into sporting goods and did it in the tent. BOING CHICKA BOING BOING. When we were done, I'm thinking I have him where I want him...you know in the "afterglow" and this might be a good time to hit him up on why my panties were all in that corndog batter. I'm figuring while we are at Wal*Mart I could probably get some new ones. So I asked him...and all he did was smile that evil little grin, kiss me on the forehad, put his pants back on and walk back out into Sight and Sound.

DAMNIT!

Between that and this American Chopper Build a Bike game I am starting to get a little....mad. Not midget-melee mad, but you know? I have a right to know why my panties were in corndog batter, don't I???

Monday, June 19, 2006

Videos from Yesterday



T asked me to post these before we hit the road. He video taped the "dancing girls" above while I, in my most drunken state, videotaped what is below 4 rousing seconds of midget ass. (T says I did that AFTER the dryer incident). I don't know and I can't remember but I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time. God. I don't even KNOW me. I wasn't going to post it but T said it was the only way to make sure everyone got the full weekend 'experience.'

Good Times.....good times....

Well, from what T told me, I had a fucking ball last night. I got so drunk after we closed the stand and the last thing I remember was putting "Freakshow Joe" into the dryer. "A REAL man can handle the permanent press cycle" says me. I remember fucking ROARING laughing when I heard the thuds and the cursing. I pressed my face up against the dryer and yelled, "the only reason I didn't put you in the washing machine is cuz you can't wash off ugly!"

Then I remember T holding my hair when I got sick. Then I just gently faded to black after that. Or maybe not so gently. You'd have to ask T.

I'm sorry I can't make this post much longer for the moment but I have to #1 - take a shower #2, help T load up the trailer and #3 - find out who dipped ALL my panties in corndog batter. Only to notice all my signs that say, "Cordog man's best friend" have been crossed out and have a doodled picture of panties with the phrase "Nickers - it's so satisfying" Obviously a take off on my fried snickers yesterday.

But I will say this...despite the fact that I have to go commando today (which is really normal, I only wear panties for special occasions anyway) we had a FUCKING ball on this trip. I love T, he's so good to me. Never gives me shit when I'm being crazy unless it's really for my own good. And even then, he's good about it. I can hear him outside now, he's helping this older lady fix the flat on her Sno-cone trailer so she can head out. I guess it got impaled during the midget melee yesterday.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

A Small Incident at Noon



The most awesome thing happened today! Zanna and I got to witness high-noon midget warfare! I would have paid for a show like this!

The Mini-Crips showed up from Lower South Central, at the exact same time the Half Pint of Bloods arrived from Little 8-Mile. Both gangs were intent on one goal: Stealing those tiny sportscars the Shriners are driving at an exhibition at the track.

They were all swaggering, and drinking 6 ouncers, words were exchanged, tempers flared, they were very short with each other. In a small amount of time pocket knives and tricycle chains were pulled, and a general melee ensued. Z and I were jumping up and down with excitement, you should have seen those tiny little guys go after each other. We saw a midget toss another midget!!! The Shriners managed to escape during the confusion, I hope those pics of their terror-filled flight from a carpet of munchkins come out. After a little while, the security guards showed up, but most of the mini-gangsters were already hiding in spare tires and flower pots.

The regular midget population, bless their tiny souls, refuse to let this incident tarnish the sporting event. They are buying mini-dogs, small fries and deep fried Snickers Bites, Zannas newest invention. Those things are gooey-delish. As a bonus, for at least this race, people have larger than usual smiles on their faces. Z refuses to waste anything, so we are using the shroom' oil to fry things until it runs out....

This is one of the many reasons I can't live without her; great ideas and a rockin' chassis.

Sunday Sunday Sunday!

<<----- (Map we got to tell us where to put the trailer). It's Sundayl We got here to Michigan, oh I'd say early this morning around 2:00 am. My baby is so tired..he insisted on doing all the driving (probably because the LAST time I drove, I turned the pinto on it's side). So this morning I thought I'd give him a little extra "sumpthin' sumpthin' to relax him and set the day on a positive note. (insert porn music here)

I guess there was some crazy shit going on here last night and the fried dough guy said he made a killing yesterday - more than he's ever made at the MIS (Michigan International Speedway). And the crazy shit I mentioned?...we heard (to T's MAJOR delight) that there has been some midget gang-warfare in the area. So I just backed up our digital camera photos and made room for what could be....some of the best fucking photo ops ever.

We've got a very busy day ahead of us. I'm considering deep-frying Snickers bars. No one is doing them here. The return on investment would be huge. We can charge 4.00 for what costs us about 1.30 to make.

Gotta go....I have to go put up the "CORNDOG, MAN'S BEST FRIEND" signs all around. T is out right now in the parking lot putting them on windshields so I better have SOMETHING accomplished by the time he get's back.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Jimmy Comes Through

Zanna and I are STOKED!!! We got a call from Jimmy bright and early this morning, he was talking a mile a minute, but I eventually understood the Pinto was done. We walked out to the "garage", and there it was, whole again, and purring like a mountain lion ear deep in deer guts!

Jimmy had taken the duct tape and cotton balls off his damaged goods to let them air....eeww, I hope he travels south for the winter, things could be bad with no pants around here. Time to payup, Zanna was starting to count the fat Geico cash out when the following conversation ensued:

Jimmy: "Nooo, dudes, that is what the Maaaan wants."
Tranny: "We owe you for fixing the Pinto."
Jimmy: "I'm all about the barter system, man."
Zanna: "I think he wants more turkey bologna, T."

In the end we wound up paying for the parts in cash, 2/3rds of a lb. of turkey bologna, a sack full of corndogs, the socks Zanna was wearing and we deep-fried the rest of his bag of shrooms. I asked Jimmy if he was worried about the deep frying taking away some of the "magic" of the mushrooms, and his reply was "Dude, you don't get it, now, even the shrooms will be Fried!"

Can't argue with logic like that.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Road Trip!

T wouldn't let me go with him this morning to go see Jimmy so I'm stuck here making "ad signs" for this weekend. I'll be honest with you I am STOKED for this road trip! We'll be heading out later today to go to Michigan and I can't fucking WAIT! I woke up this morning with this song in my head...Probably got stuck there from that commercial the song is always on.

Anyway, T decided we needed to up-the-ante so we upgraded to 100% ALL BEEF Franks for the corndogs after he read this article. He's always thinkin, that one. It's that kind of fast thinking that got us the corndog trailer to begin with.

So like I said I just made these signs that say "corndogs - man's best friend" You know why? Meat on a stick is the #1 way to go when you are holding a 32oz Bud Draft, that's why. There is no need to put down one to manage the other. The only decision you need to make is left hand or right hand. Ambidextrous eating. It's practical.

And I'll tell you something else...you put a guy eating salmon next to a guy eating a corndog and who is having the most fun? Not the salmon eater with his little paperplate on his docker shorts keeping his knees together so he can cut his fish. Take a look at your corndog man. Free to flail at any given moment . God Bless America.

Anyway, that's going to be the marketing strategy for this weekend. And I have my own personal strategy for my man and me this weekend.....it's called "the cornDONG".

At Least Bring the Pinto Flowers


Well, being the trusting s.o.b. that I am, I had to go sneak into the woods, and see what Jimmy was doing with Pinto. Zanna wanted to go, but I was like "Baby, if you could only swing through the woods like you swing on that pole...." She got the idea of putting on some stilletos and thigh-highs, to see if that would help. I told her I'd be back in an hour, but the shoes and stocking were a fucking GRAND idea.

A little while later and I'm watching Jimmy work and wishing that guy owned some pants. At least his junk was hidden by the cotton balls and duct tape we used to stop the bleeding from that tree/sack incident. He keeps screaming "Magical Faery Dust of the Mechanic Gods!!!" and wiping his nose with a pinecone. Pretty sure that "faery dust" was made in a bathtub by a toothless 19 year old. Not that it matters, he's working like he's possessed, and polishing each part before installation. He better remember to stop gratuitously rubbing his package on the engine block when he test starts the engine.

Then it hits.....why the fuck am I sitting in a bush, watching a naked man work on/hump a car, when Z wants to walk in the woods in damn near nothing? Somedays the elevator just don't go to the top floor.

When second thoughts are one thought too late

Well, the 2-for corndog dinner sale was a raging success and we sold them in record time. Which was good because I was nervous to go into the woods to see Jimmy and I just wanted to get it over with. I know, I know...this Jimmy thing was MY idea. But the only way I can explain it is like....you know when sometimes NIGHT will make you think it's a good idea to sleep with someone but then DAY tells you otherwise? Like that. Except reversed. Because now it's night.

I'm just glad T had the foresight the other day to tell the towing guy to put the Pinto where he did. Because that hill really made it easier for us to get some momentum when we had to push it to the "garage".

So, we get there and leave the pinto by the side of the road and we head on into "Jimmyland". I have to say, I'm always impressed by T's maneuverability in the woods. He's quick and stealthy...moves like a cat, I tell you. And even though I WATCHED him step over the tripwire, guess who tripped over it? Yea, that would be me. T scratched his ass in disbelief and looked down at me incredulously and all I could say is, "I'm graceful like swan, no?" He knew he didn't need to answer that.

So then T makes the woodland creature noise. In our anticipation, the silence of the woods seemed almost loud and then Jimmy pops up out of nowhere, NAKED...gets in both our faces and goes, "do you know where you are? You're in the jungle baby...you're gonna diiiiie..." I said, "oh my God, I love that song" and then T elbowed me and told me he wasn't singing and be serious.

Jimmy then bounds out in front of us and shimmy's up a fucking tree. Now, you think I'm wierd...I'm sitting here thinking that's fucked up, I wasted a 1/2 pound of turkey bologna on this guy, the pinto is NEVER going to get fixed in time and all T can say is, "How much you wanna bet he just WRECKED his nuts on that tree". I said, "five bucks". Game on!

Anyway, turns out Jimmy ate some "mushrooms" and once he came down from the tree and the shrooms, he said he could fix the Pinto in time for our trip to Michigan. T and Jimmy pushed the Pinto into the woods where Jimmy's shed was and we can come back and get it later tomorrow.

And as it turns out, I lost the bet and ended up owing T 5.00. Jimmy done scratched up his undercarriage but good.

I am SO dying to listen to some Guns n Roses now. Remember that song..."I used to love her, but I had to kill her..." Yeaaaaa. Good times. I'm making a mix for the ride to Michigan.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Jimmy Called

T finally got a call from Jimmy. He called from the payphone down next to Bunghole Liquors (you can't make this shit up, people). T said he sounded a little incoherent.

We made and "appointment" to meet Jimmy at his garage in the woods after we closed down the stand for the evening. Apparently we have to make some woodland creature noise when we get past the tripwire. I only overheard part of the conversation...I'm letting T handle it. Because personally, I refuse to make noises like that unless he's got me on all fours. If I started just doing them randomly it would take all the sincerity out of it you know? Right? I can just picture it in my mind's eye right now. I'd do the noise and T would look at me like:

1. I was a whore or
2. "Oh, so you can make that noise anytime you want how do I know you aren't faking it you lying bitch"

And yes, I can get all that from a look.

I have to get back to the stand now. We're running a dinner 2-for special to get rid of the older hot dogs because T got a really good deal on better ones at Sam's yesterday.

Tequila and Tobacco

Holy shit what a night! I am so glad Aunt Flo came down from the trailer park to meet Zanna, all is good in the world. I can't believe they managed to do tandem keg-stands, what a sight to behold. Although Aunt Flo's skirt piling around her head brought back a few emotional scars I was trying to bury. Zanna was smoking Backwoods, A-Flo unfiltered Camels, I was snorting Copenhagen. Z tried to tell me to chew it, but I can read, it says "snuff" right on the can. Then the Cuervo came out. Flo was trying to show some ol' dance moves from her days waitressing at the "Dirty Pole" back in Amarillo. Zanna started telling jokes her mom had taught her, in Cubanese. And I, well folks, lets just say that no matter how big the umbrella, that flying shit from "Mary Poppins" was total special effects.

Well, I better stop puking into my coffe, it's going to be a busy day, I have to get on that crack-head mechanic about the Pinto, we need to be to Michigan International Speedway in 3 days, and the Corndog trailer isn't pulling itself.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Goin' with the "Flo"

USUALLY, when I say my "Aunt Flow" is in town I mean I'm on the rag. However....

After a long discussion this morning, Tranny decided I should meet Aunt Flo and get all this bullshit out of the way before the wedding. I had to agree. I can't help it. I just can't.

So T calls Flo and tells her to hoof it on down the stand. Now let me tell you something. Everyone has got their idea of what beauty is, right? And you know the old saying that beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Well, let me tell you something. There is nothing more beauteus than Aunt Flo in the distance in a pretty pale blue skirt and red lumberjack shirt...with a cigarette in her mouth...AND CARRYING A BEER BALL. I'm not being sarcastic. She should have been encased in some kind of luminous shroud with that HALLELUIA coming out of it.

Call me crazy, but I can almost see what T saw in her. She's a hot shit and she sure can shake what her mama gave her. I took this video of Flo getting down. I was drunk and laughing and now I can't figure out how to get it right side up so I figure it's just easier if you turn your head. You go Flo...You go.


Tales of Family Love and Spork

Goddamnit Les, you man-hating bitch, get off my Kool-Aid. I already told you Zanna is mine, all mine, and bringing up those old rumors will get you nowhere.

How to explain to Zanna about Aunt Flo? When I was younger, my foster parents had kicked me out. I won't go into all the details, but let's just say it involved their favorite cat, a Roman candle and the Moose-Taint County Fire Department. Good ol' Aunt Flo had the graciousness to allow her favorite nephew to stay. It was late one night, and Aunt Flo had been drinking more than usual, and she started asking me some personal questions, like "So nephew, do you know the proper way to kiss a girl?" She was on me like a drunken lion seconds later, trying to show me how to french-kiss, when some cousins showed up. Long-story short, Tranny and Flo are married, haunted the rest of my Junior High career.

I spent all morning sanding the new ride, I don't think Zanna enjoys me looking for splinters around the "playground" nearly as much as I do. I've been having some fun with her, asking if she "wants to take a spin on the woody" and "shall we put some gas in the hog". She smiles that little smile and starts unbuttoning her blouse, then stops and tries to decide what I mean. Thank god, she has so far decided that as long as the shirts part off....

Like we used to say about our ol' hound dog, Spork, Cute, but not so bright. I love her though. And I miss Spork, he would chase parked cars for hours.

Well, off to the Sam's Club, I hear they got a new shipment of all beef franks in, and I am just dying to see if they are good quality.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Wave "adios" to the Stray Mexican...

And say hello to fucking "Aunt Flo" and the INS.

It's been an eventful night, I will say that much. I closed down the stand and came back only to log on to the blog and see that we FINALLY had a comment. Dare I say out loud, that when I saw "1 Comment" under the "Turkey Bologna" post my nipples got hard. It's true. Then I clicked on it and hey immediately inverted upon reading about my Darling husband-to-be's "situation".

I'm not getting into it here but he better have a good explanation.

I'd like to take a moment to give a shout out to "leslie b ann" (cute handle, Les...) for the "hot tip" of the evening! (and Tranny, now you know who to blame for you not getting any tonight - fucker!)

So, anyway I went to go post back to Les but I heard something outside. Hearing the rapid amble under the guise of night....I knew instinctively.....trouble was afoot. (ha ha..where the fuck did THAT eloquence come from?).

And a sure as a hole in a goat, it was (I need to trust my womanly instinct more). I ran out just in time to see the Stray Mexican looking strangely alert and cunning. His eyes were wide, his ears were alert.

He was in trouble.

I've seen this look only once before. I was frozen in terror. But somehow, by the GRACE OF GOD, had the fortitude to lift that 40 to my lips.

Fear parches me.

This was all too reminiscent of the time Pedro got popped. Tranny has never gotten over it and has longed for a new Mexican ever since. I don't have to tell you..you know the story...

As I stared at Stray...I could see red and blue lights reflecting in the whites of his eyes as peered out from the fernage.

It was then I realized that it was all over but the crying. And as they took Stray away, this song started to play in my head...


And as pissed off as I am at Tranny right now.. I'm just glad he wasn't here to see this.

Mi corazon es muy triste, ahora. Porque del situacion del Tranny, y este situacion con "el stray".

Oye Como Va and Chimichanga. Taco. Salse Verde.

Turkey bologna not the only deal at the deli today

Geico is giving us 600.00 to get the Pinto fixed. Which is good since we only paid 150.00 for it. The hard part now is finding someone to work on it.

And then I ran into Jimmy at the supermarket where he was doing Whippits in the corner by the deli. I got my number (I love it when I get 69 - these are the little things that just MAKE my day) and that's when I saw him sucking out the nitrous from the containers of whipped cream.
(Oh, and a side note: don't you hate when you are in the supermarket and they have that canned music and one of those wicked fucking cheesy songs gets stuck in your head like this one..)

Anyway, yadda yadda and blah blah blah, turns out Jimmy has his own "garage" in the woods. I asked him for his number but he said he'd have to call us because he's "living in his car" right now. So, I gave him Tranny's cell number and a half a pound of turkey bologna and called it a deal. But essentially, it'll be up to the T-man.

*sky rockets in flight....afternoon delight...* DAMNIT GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

On The Road Again

If you told me yesterday that a corndog with string cheese combined with the mellow sounds of Steve Miller would make me feel like my world has gone back on it's axis I would have told you to fuck off. And if I did that, I would have to apologize because it's exactly what happened. Tranny woke me up to this Corndog creation and the fact he took the time and ate it with me...well, I know he's not mad at And I'm glad he's not down with the Mexican in the bushes.

So, we needed to get a temporary ride while the car is in the shop. We looked online and found this sweet machine for cheap money. Tranny said from now on I have to wear my long pants when I ride "The Beast of Burden". I looked at him kind of confused and then he said, 'NO NOT WHEN YOU'RE ON ME..."

Anyway, we rode 'the Beast' home. I only got 4 splinters in my thigh and one in my ass.

ha ha...I just had an idea. I saw a "scratch and sniff" bumper sticker at the Family Dollar yesterday. I'm going to go get it and put it on the part of the bike where I sit.

You know what? I'm the funniest girl I know!

Love Cheese

I woke early this morning to the most glorious of all things: Zannas arms around me, and the sound of her snoring directly into my ear. Who would have known a woman as beautiful as her could make a noise that would scare a bull-rhino out of rut? And I love her for it, we spent the 6 bucks an alarm clock would have cost on Backwoods Cigars.

What the fuck? Is that a picture of that Mexican with his head in the bushes? We are so getting an un-tainted one, fresh from the border! Maybe from Jalisco, where I understand there are no paint-chips.....

Zanna is feeling so guilty, I just have to do something special for breakfast. I was upset about the Pinto for about a 1/2 second, I keep trying to tell her it's ok, all that matters is her, but she won't listen.

Got it! I'm going to corn-dog batter some string-cheese, put the stick in the center, like a "t", and we can eat it like the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Tramp. I'll put some Steve Miller on when it's ready. Afterwords we can go look for a temporary ride while Geico gets us some well-deserved Pinto cash.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Give me a Gold Star for Effort (Damn It!)


Okay, I feel wicked guilty and I owe him and we've got nothing to lay on tonight anyway, so I go and try to lure this guy out.

He's not the brightest Mexican this side of the boarder. I found him with his head in the bushes. He obviously prescribes to the "If I can't see them, they can't see me" theory. How he got here, I have no idea.

I don't want this one. I want a NEW one that we picked fresh off the boarder. And I mean no disrespect. I'm half Cuban, myself. Not to say that Cubans and Mexicans are the same but you know what I mean.

Anyway...I didn't try that hard to get him. I took a picture and brought it back to Tranny. He's got to understand..getting a dim Mexican was the reason the boarder patrol popped Pedro to begin with.

Aww...Tranny's fast asleep.....I'm gonna go spoon him. He's so fucking cute.

Owing T-Man

Okay..I should have called Tranny. But I was too busy trying to think of what to put on that fucking police report AND being COMPLETELY bullshit at the manager and the clerk at the Family "Dollar" Store. I have a RANT about Family Dollar. If it says DOLLAR everything in the store should be a DOLLAR, right? But it's not...there is stuff in there for like 10.00 - it's bullshit.

But I digress...

I knew I was in trouble when I walked up and saw Tranny just standing where the Pinto usually is. By this time of night we are usually laying on it drinking our 40 and dreaming about better things. I didn't call, I'm never this late. He was so cute scratching his beard and just standing there doing nothing. Can I just tell you how cute he is when he doesn't know you are looking?

Then he saw me walk up. Sans Pinto. Nothing worse than seeing him adjust his glasses to MAKE SURE he's seeing what' he's seeing. I saw that "There you are
"happy face" morph into the, "wherethefuckisthecar" face.

Well, make a long story short - because I "wrecked" the Pinto, (and "wrecked" is in parenthesis because "wrecked" implies it will never be fixed again - and it will be..) now I HAVE to go and lure out this Mexican he found skulking around today. I'm like, "I thought that was what we were going to do on our honeymoon" and he's all like, "You owe me, now Zanna".

Fine he didn't really SAY it..but the way he looked at me said it. And maybe it's just my imagination because I'm feeling so guilty. Fuck it. I'll go try to find the mexican and lure it out.

Stray Mexican


Boy, I sure can't wait until Zanna gets back the Dollar General Store...hmm, she has been gone a while....

Anyway, I was walking around the racetrack today, and I saw a stray Mexican roaming around the back alleyway. He had that semi-feral look in his eye they get, right after crossing the border, but before they get employed for $3 an hour or 50 cents a bushell. I bet if the two of us sneak down there around dusk, we can coax him out of hiding with a corndog dipped in Ranch Style Beans. She is always so good at getting them to eat right from her hand quickly. I've been a little distraught, ever since the INS put Pedro in the Pound, but with a little luck, we may yet get a Brand New Mexican. I bet this one has teeth!

I hope Zanna gets back to corndog stand soon, I can hardly wait to see the look of wonder in those beautiful, Nascar/Tranny lovin' eyes!

Pinto Project On Hold


I can't really say anything yet about this accident because I haven't filled out the police report with "the truth".

All I know for right now is that this is a major snafu in my wedding gift plans. And I guess our transportation in general. The other thing I know is that it tipped over on the side without the gas tank. With any luck, once I fill out the police report, the Pinto will be in the shop, and I'm going to collect some bennies from Geico.

When you stand back and look at it. This could be an "act of God". I've said too much already.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

The Grannys

The Grannys

I am the luckiest man ever. Zanna accepted my proposal. Sure, I may have ruined a pair of pants, kneeling in the corndog grease, but the stand is where our love truly blossomed, it seemed the only appropriate place. She was so excited that we had to put the blinds down, if the corn-dog stands a-rockin' go elsewhere for your funnel cake. She then ran right out and rolled a wino for enough change to get us each a bottle of Old English. I can't wait to lay on the hood of our Pinto tonight and discuss a new suspension. At some point I will have to sneak off and shave my pubes, the mini-skirt I am weaving her is taking more fuzz than I had anticipated. Thank goodness for Rogaine.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Pimp my Pinto


Usually, I just say that to Tranny when I want to get it on.

I was at Walmart this morning getting some more Aqua-Net and I saw this ROCKING Pinto. Me and Tranny have one and everynight we lay on the hood and fantasize about how we're going to trick out our second best investment ever (first best, Corndog trailer).

So, I'm thinking about pimping out the Pinto as a wedding gift for him. The way I figure it, just because he's marrying me doesn't mean he'll love me forever. But with a tricked out Pinto like this....fuck yea..he'll love me forever and then some. And so will his friends. And everyone that comes to the stand.

And what else is good about this - the gas tank is too far up to hit, virtually eliminating any chance of me and my man going up in a blaze of Pinto Glory.

http://www.fordpinto.com/blowup.htm

Friday, June 09, 2006

We're getting married


Tranny proposed to me last night. I knew he was going to. I could tell something was up. He fucked up the corndogs all day and that's not like him. He kept putting the dogs in the fryer without the stick. Do you know how hard it is to put the stick in the corn-dog AFTER the fact? It's not easy and it's hot and it's fucking dangerous. I can't tell you how many times he would chastise me and tell me "you're gonna get hot oil in your eye and burn your retina and then you'll only be able to look into the sun with ONE eye...is THAT what you want?"

Of course not and here he is doing it. But it turns out it was because he was nervous. I don't know why...he knows I wouldn't say no.